Sunday, May 5, 2013

Celebrity Death Match: Mad Men vs. Game of Thrones

This is me, Alex of the Wit Factory.  And this is one of my BFFs, Kali.

Kali and I love Mad Men and Game of Thrones. One day in discussing the choice over which show to watch (the shows air at the same time), we had a conversation that went like this.

Kali: I'm being forced to choose between the two...which is basically a battle of foxy men.
Me: Battle of sexy as hell men.
Kali: I feel like there are obvious comparisons, too.
Me: Yeah.
Kali: It could be a Celebrity Deathmatch-esque categorical breakdown.
Me: God, can we do a collaborative blog effort on this? lol

And thus it happened.  Since Kali and I do sometimes have different opinions, we have the lovely Erin to do tie breakers.  The darling, substitute teacher is an avid fan of both shows and settles our disputes.

Spoiler Alert: this list brings up information from the 5th season of Mad Men and the current season of Game of Thrones! Readers beware! Also, expletives in abundance.

  “Rich as Fuck Silver Foxes”
Roger Sterling vs. Tywin Lannister

Roger Sterling
Tywin Lannister
Kali: Every girl loves a good Silver Fox.  Tywin Lannister is the richest man in all of Westeros, but he's kind of a dick, especially to Tyrion.  Roger Sterling, on the other hand, is the charming, often-drunk partner of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, and though he has the cash money, he doesn't make it rain quite as hard as Tywin (unless you count inflation, which I'm not doing because I was a Communications major). Who is rich and foxy enough to take the title?  

VERDICT:  All the money in Westeros can't buy Tywin the charm and sheer foxiness of Roger Sterling.  ROGER. 

Alex: Roger Sterling, of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, is the silver haired and silver tongued boss of the office.  Wealthy and charming, he gets his way with the ladies, which is much more his focus that actually getting work done.  As long as he keeps raking in the cash, he will continue charming the ladies into his bed.

If anyone is the actual winner of the Game of Thrones, Tywin Lannister is it.  Lord of the Lannister House, he is known for paying his debts and the debts of his offspring, which aren’t cheap.  The eldest Lannister controls apt amounts of land and funds while supporting his family’s hold over the throne.

My pick: Roger Sterling.  While Tywin Lannister does hold considerable power, he has no sway over the female contingent, unlike his rival Sterling who could charm the pants off a nun.


“Bitches who Don’t Take Shit”
Joan Harris vs. Cersei Lannister

Joan Holloway
Cersei Lannister
Kali: Cersei didn't really come into her HBIC-status until season two, when we got to see her bitter, drunk and angry.  Joan, however, has been HBIC-ing since the beginning of Mad Men.  Who could forget when she threw that model airplane at that secretary or told her (ex)husband to go die in Vietnam?  Way harsh, Holloway.

VERDICT:  Joan Holloway Harris is my spirit animal.  JOAN.

Alex: Joan Harris basically runs the office and she keeps the shit in line.  Her authority is not to be questioned and she won’t back down if someone crosses her.  Just ask the guy who Joan told to go die in Vietnam. Yeah, Joanie doesn’t fuck around.

Cersei Lannister is the Queen of Westeros, and mother of the King Joffrey.  The power wielding queen doesn’t care who fucks with her, because she knows that person won’t last much longer.  Case in point, the death of a wolf that had nothing to do with harming her son.  Yep, she’s a heartless bitch.

My pick: Cersei Lannister.  Yes, Joan can handle anything thrown her way, but she has moral limits. Cersei laughs at those limits as she passes by them.

Tie Breaker from Erin: Joan may be the HBIC in the office but I doubt she's ever screwed her way to the throne via her brother. Cersei's got priorities and she will do anything--or anyone with blonde hair--to stay on top (that's what she said).


“Awesomest Offspring”
Sally Draper vs. Ayra Stark

Sally Draper
Arya Stark

Kali: Sally Draper is fierce.  I mean… look at what she deals with.  And yet, she is this little baby Grace Kelly, but with attitude.  Arya Stark has been on the run for two seasons, everyone thinks she's a boy, and she's killed a bunch of dudes.

VERDICT:  ARYA.  Sorry, Sally, but when you learn how to swordfight and assassinate people with the help of Jaqen, then we'll talk.

Alex: In Mad Men, we get to watch Don Draper’s eldest child flower into a beautiful young lady.  Sally gets the looks from her dad, Don, and the attitude from her mom, Betty.  She knows how to play her parents into getting exactly what she wants.

Arya Stark is the youngest daughter to Ned Stark, and “Little Miss Spitfire of Westeros.” She has the looks of her dad and all of his attitude.  Ayra would rather play swords than dolls any day; barely a woman and she’s already racked up one kill and ready for more.

My pick: Arya Stark.  Sally has the attitude to take on the world, but Arya has the attitude and the sword to back it up, the one she affectionately calls “Needle.”


“Charmingly Smarmy Men”
Pete Campbell vs. Petyr ‘Littlefinger’ Baelish

Pete Campbell

Petyr 'Littlefinger' Baelish

Kali: Love to hate 'em.  They're both obviously terrible, conniving little shits, but they look SO GOOD doing it.  Pete pimped out Joan to Jaguar, Littlefinger is literally a pimp (dude owns brothels).  Pete hit on that underage girl in Drivers Ed, Littlefinger is creepin' on the daughter of his One True Love.  Did I mention he also betrayed his OTL's husband knowing full well he'd probably be beheaded, thus making her single again?  Yeah that happened, too.

VERDICT:  LITTLEFINGER.  Not only has he basically backstabbed his way into power, but he continues to do so while making it look damn good, whereas Pete Campbell has weird sideburns now.

Alex: Pete Campbell started the series as the charming, yet manipulative, little guy who is trying to make it to the top.  And he steps on a lot of toes to get there. In fact in trying to maintain big boy status, he whores out another employee of the company.

Petyr ‘Littlefinger’ Baelish actually is a whorer of women.  His house of sluts rakes him the cash and keeps him updated on the secrets of the realm.  But who could keep a secret from him?  All he has to do is smirk and anyone would give it up...

My pick: ‘Littlefinger.’  Pete makes plenty of enemies, but has a hard time keeping his charming demeanor.  Baelish turns enemies into friends and friends into enemies, all while smirking coquettishly.


“Annoying as Hell Females”
Betty Draper vs. Sansa Stark

Sansa Stark

Betty Draper

Kali: Whine whine whine.  I guess I feel Sansa's struggle a little more, particularly after partway through the second season when she realizes how terrible Joffrey is.  Betty is just plain terrible.

VERDICT:  Since we're judging based on how well they fit into the category, I'm giving this to BETTY DRAPER.  She is literally the worst.  Literally.  The.  Worst.

Alex: Betty Draper is Don’s ex-wife, and Queen Ice Bitch of the show.  Her nagging attitude and petty personality make you scream at the television, “Shut the hell up, Betty!” She still manages to make Don’s life a living hell after they’re divorced.

Sansa Stark is the eldest Stark daughter and quite opposite from her younger sister Arya.  Sansa prefers the pretty things in life, and whines when she doesn’t get them which is frequently.  Her demeanor finally improves when she realizes how disposable she is to her darling, King Joffrey.

My pick: Betty Draper.  Sansa has redeeming moments throughout the show that help you understand that she’s still young.  Betty has no redeeming moments, only annoying ones.


“Inappropriate Relations”
Sally Draper & Creepy Glen vs. Cersei & Jaime Lannister

Sally and Glen
Cersei and Jaime

Kali: On one hand, we have some (w)incest. On the other, we have Sally being roped into an emotionally dysfunctional relationship with an older boy who obviously has some aggression issues.  All aboard for Dysfunction Junction.

VERDICT:  CERSEI/JAIME, because, as creepy as everyone finds Glen, at least he isn't Sally's brother.

Alex: Sally Draper begins a friendship with a boy down the street named Glen, or as I call him ‘Creepy Glen.’  He breaks into her house and destroys a bunch of stuff in an attempt to prove his loyalty to her.  Eventually they start a long distance phone call relationship while he’s off at high school, and she’s chilling in middle school.

Cersei and Jaime Lannister are twin children of Tywin Lannister.  Cersei and Jaime Lannister have sex on a regular basis, and have created several offspring that are passed as the King’s children.  Cersei and Jaime Lannister are icky.

My pick: Cersei & Jaime Lannister. On the scale of creepiness, nothing beats [tw]incest.


“Secret Gays”
Salvatore Romano vs. Renly Baratheon

Renly Baratheon
Sal Romano

Kali: I mean, we all knew it was coming, but I don't think I'll ever forget when Sal banged that dude in season two.  Likewise, never forget Littlefinger outing Renly and the Knight of Flowers in the middle of a joust.

VERDICT:  RENLY BARATHEON, for being progressive and adorable.  Though I really do miss Sal and I wish he'd come back, Renly sadly doesn't have that chance because he was killed by the Baby Smoke Monster.

Alex: Sal Romano was the art director at the firm, who kept his secret under wraps as long as he could.  He even married a childhood friend, but eventually people started finding out.  He was last seen heading to a park, notorious for homosexual meetings.

Younger brother of King Robert, Renly Baratheon’s secret sexual preferences are no secret.  In fact, it is the joke of the realm.  Even his wife, attempting to consummate their marriage asks if he needs his lover involved, who happens to be her brother. What’s with all the incest?

My pick: Salvatore Romano.  Renly Baratheon’s secret affairs are not secret, meanwhile Sal tried his hardest to keep his from “coming out.”

Tie Breaker from Erin: Being the secret gay in a 1960s office is tough; being a secret gay in GoT means you get Sir Loras. Sal's got it tough and he fights hard to power through.


“Young Guy Making the Big Leagues”
Michael Ginsberg vs. Robb Stark

Michael Ginsberg
Robb Stark

Kali: Robb Stark's Dad died, so now he's King of the North, running around with his wolf, winning battles and shit.  Ginsberg rolled into SCDP last season with a pretty decent portfolio and Woody Allen charm.  He has since added a moustache to his repertoire.

VERDICT:  ROBB STARK.  He's the young wolf, he hasn't lost a battle, and he's looked damn fine doing it all.  Ginsberg did some cool ads or something, I don't know.

Alex: Michael Ginsberg comes into the firm with something to prove.  A young guy, he is trying to make something of himself to prove to his dad that he can handle the advertising business.  He ends up making waves, but unsettles Don in the process.

Robb Stark has big shoes to fill when his father dies and he leads war against the Lannisters.  His father was beloved and respected by many, and it can be hard for a young gent to become a man.  He steps up and earns himself a new title, “King of the North.”  More like “Hottie of the North.”

My pick: Robb Stark.  Ginsberg is working to prove something to his father.  Robb Stark has something to prove to the entire realm.  The Starks always say “Winter is coming,” and Robb intends to prove it.


“Unlikely Power Couple”
Sally Draper & Roger Sterling vs. Jaime Lannister & Brienne of Tarth

Sally and Roger
Jaime and Brienne

Kali: I think I can speak for the entire Game of Thrones viewership when I say that one of the major highlights of the last five episodes has been Brienne and Jaime's Excellent Adventure.  They're just witty and catty and great.  Sally and Roger had that brief but memorable and amazing moment where they ended up being “dates” at that benefit last season, but it ended rather abruptly when Sally walked in on Roger getting a blowie from Don's mother-in-law.  Awkward!

VERDICT: I'm giving it to BRIENNE/JAIME, for the general banter.  And because Sally is underage.  And probably shouldn't have walked into that room.

Alex: The dynamic that Sally and Roger have is a powerful man who has a younger sidekick to do his bidding.  While they do not have much time spent on camera together, one episode in particular features them together at a party.  Poor Sally walks in of Roger having a different kind of fun with another lady.

Jaime and Brienne are both accomplished sword wielders.  As she is transporting him back to his father, they continuously battle with their wits, and eventually with swords.  It’s enough chemistry to believe that getting the two of them in the sack would be pretty dynamic as well.

My pick: Jaime Lannister & Brienne of Tarth.  While they do spend most of their time arguing, if the two could get on the same side, I have no doubt they would be unstoppable.  Sally just wouldn’t be able to keep up with Roger’s sexiness.

“Thanks for Noticing Me”
Ken Cosgrove vs. Stannis Baratheon

Ken Cosgrove
Stannis Baratheon

Kali: Sometimes you forget these guys are hanging around, but then they're like, “HEY GUYS, REMEMBER ME?  I'M RUNNING ACCOUNTS/BEING THE ONE TRUE KING LOL” and everyone breathes a heavy sigh of relief because nobody really hates Ken and Stannis, and sometimes we wish they weren't so sad but hey, that's what happens when you have severe middle child-syndrome/showrunners who don't care about you.

VERDICT:  Hands down, STANNIS BARATHEON, my sweet stag prince, one true heir to the Iron Throne (and my heart).

Alex: There’s always that character that you love, that gets so little screen time.  Ken Cosgrove is probably the most honest man working in the ad firm, but so little of his loveliness is shown.  When you do get a taste, you’re left wanting more.

Stannis Baratheon just can’t wait to be king, and since his two brothers are dead now is the perfect time.  But poor Stannis faces a brutal defeat, and returns licking his wounds and trying to lick his red-headed witch advisor.  He just wants to sit on the iron throne, but he’s having trouble getting noticed.

My pick: Ken Cosgrove.  If anyone actually deserves to have good things happen to them on the show, it’s Ken.  He’s consistently the nice guy and that deserves attention.  Stannis had a hand in murdering his younger brother.  But there’s no such thing as bad press, right?

Tie Breaker from Erin: Let's be real: Stannis is actually the legitimate one true heir to the throne. He's freaking BLACK OF HAIR. You know who's not black of hair? Joffrey. Get Mellisandre the job of Hand of the King and we got ourselves a true King's Landing.


“Gone Too Soon”
Lane Pryce vs. Eddard ‘Ned’ Stark

Lane Price

Ned Stark

Kali: I can't lie, I still have PTSD from seeing Lane Pryce's dead body hanging from his office door last season.  Ned Stark was a cool dude, and he definitely was in it for the right reasons, but Lane Pryce was just an adorably sad guy who got stuck in an awful situation.

VERDICT: I have to go with PRYCE.  Ned Stark was fine, and that was definitely a sad thing, but nothing will ever be as awful as watching Lane Pryce spiral into suicidal depression over the course of one episode.

Alex: Lane Pryce used to be a sweet, British guy, but then he started embezzling money from the company and became obsessed with covering it up.  Once caught by Don, Lane is immediately let go.  Driven mad with desperation, he takes his own life.

Eddard ‘Ned’ Stark is the patriarch of the family, and eventually hand of the king.  But when he discovers the King’s children are actually the product of incest (EWW), the King Joffrey has him beheaded in front of crowd including his two daughters.

My pick: Lane’s passing was the more traumatic of the two, but Ned’s death came much more swiftly than Lane’s death.  We only had 9 episodes with Ned, and then he was gone.

Tie Breaker from Erin: Ned. The man who was always honest, loyal and true lied about Joffrey's lineage and then got his head chopped off. Worst. Death. Ever. He was also played by Sean Bean, which was his character's tragic downfall from the start.


“Hey girl, I’ve got two tickets to Poundtown”
Don Draper vs. Tyrion Lannister

Don Draper
Tyrion Lannister

Kali: If you look like Jon Hamm, women will still love you no matter how much you cheat on your wife(s).  If you're Tyrion Lannister, women love you because you're charming and hey, whatever, everyone went to prostitutes back then, RIGHT?  The two most oft-laid characters face off.

VERDICT:  All the foxiness of Don Draper cannot contend with the charm, wit, and general adorability of Tyrion Lannister.  TYRION.

Alex: Don Draper’s slutty ways are easily one of the most notable parts of Mad Men.  His charming physique and smarmy attitude get him laid like nobody’s business.  If he could, Don would probably ask to insure his dick.

Tyrion Lannister is a dwarf, which means he wants to prove that size doesn’t matter in the sack.  Bedding whores endlessly, Tyrion leaves behind swarms of satisfied women as he moves through the realm.  So taken with whores, his father has to eventually threaten that he’ll kill the next whore he finds in his son’s bed.

My pick: Tyrion Lannister.  After having sex with Tyrion, I would bask in the after sex glow and conversate with him for hours on whatever his intellectual fancy.  After having sex with Don, I’d need a shower and a scotch. 





GoT takes the cake with their abundance of awesome (and awkward) characters. Both shows are fantastic and worth watching for their amazing stories.  So whether you crave cigarettes and brandy or blood and swords, you won't be disappointed!