Monday, July 1, 2013

Who Would You Rather Do: Presidential Edition

Fourth of July.  Our nation’s birthday.  A day to celebrate loving all that is American and the amazing things we have done as a country. Or in the case of Kali and myself, a round or two of presidential Who Would You Rather Do?  Because we’re patriots, dammit.

OG Founding Fathers versus New School Prez

George Washington vs Barack Obama

 Alex: In this match-up we have the very first president versus the first African American president. Gotta give George his cred, because he was able to step up and do something pretty radical for his country.  But Barack achieved something America couldn’t even perceive happening for decades.  Barack has my vote, because while Washington did have stuff going for him, wooden teeth would be very uncomfortable to make out with. Even as a country, once you go black you never go back. God, did I really just type that?!

Kali: Alright, so, George Washington is, quite literally, the father of our country.  He crossed the Delaware and battled the British and survived smallpox and all of those really awesome things that make him the manliest of manly men.  Barack Obama hasn't really done any of that, but he is a pretty great basketball player and has a super-cute family and has ushered in some pretty good policy decisions (Affordable Care Act, Lily Leadbetter, etc.) so he's got that going for him.  VERDICT:  I'm going with the first man I ever voted for, BARACK OBAMA.  Because his smile... have you seen his smile?  Y'all can't smile like that with wooden teeth, ok?

 Winner: Barack Obama

John Adams vs George W. Bush

Alex: John Adams was pretty revolutionary, which makes me think he might have been quite a firecracker in the sack.  Diplomat on the streets, freak in the sheets, am I right?  Speaking of crazy wild, W. Bush was a party boy and a pretty cute one at that.  His presidency may be tainted by some poor decisions and some difficult situations, but Georgy boy at least knew how to get down.  Gotta go with W. Bush on this one from a purely sexual point.  He was damn fine when he was younger and the only Adams I hold dear to my heart is Sam.

Kali: John Adams was a pretty sassy dude, and very well-traveled and well-written.  Basically all of the things that made George W. Bush a lackluster president are what would make him an EXCELLENT addition to any party!    VERDICT:  I'm going against all my political beliefs, better judgment, and fiber of my being by picking GEORGE W. BUSH because I'm sorry, have you seen him in his college years?  I hate myself.

Winner: George W. Bush

Thomas Jefferson vs William “Bill” Clinton

Alex: Thomas Jefferson was well-rounded and did a lot in his years on this earth, and by did a lot, I also mean he did a lot of women.  After his wife passed, Jefferson carried on a relationship with Maria Cosway and it is rumored he fathered several children with his slave Sally Hemings. Clinton is the notorious black sheep in the White House. Billy Boy isn’t the first president who had trouble keeping it in his pants, but the public spectacle of the situation isn’t to be outdone.  My vote is for Jefferson, because while Clinton did a lot for the economy, Jefferson was an architect, farmer, and inventor. That’s hot.

Kali: Bill Clinton is super-charismatic and great, made good political decisions (and bad personal ones), and was kind of the king of cool.  Remember when he played sax on the Arsenio Hall show?  Unf.  He just seems like a sweet dude.  But my boy Tommy Jeffs was no slouch either.  He was all writing the Declaration of Independence, being the third president,speaking multiple languages fluently, making the Louisiana purchase, and having illegitimate lovechildren with his slaves, you know.  All that stuff.  Plus, he basically formed his own political party with James Madison to get back at John Adams, so he was kind of the Regina George of his time.  VERDICT:  I really appreciate Bill Clinton but even he can't compete with the super-smart renaissance realness of THOMAS JEFFERSON.  On a scale of 1 to Fox, Jefferson is a fox and a half.

Winner: Thomas Jefferson

James Madison vs George H.W. Bush

Alex: Madison is known best for his contribution to the Federalist Papers and penning the first ten amendments to the constitution.  That’s right, homeboy is the father of the Bill of Rights.  If that’s not swoon worthy, I don’t know what is.  H.W. fought in World War II, was director of the CIA, and played baseball at Yale.  Oh and we know where his eldest offspring gets the hot genes from, because H.W. had swag.  All the hotness of Bush can’t make up for the debacle of the “War on Drugs” and certainly can’t beat the foxiness of writing the most important part of our constitution. Sorry, Madison has you beat.

Kali: If I love one thing, it's a man with great fashion, and George H.W. Bush's sock collection was fly as hell.  Not to mention, he was also a war hero and a former CIA director, so all of that is kind of hot.  But then you have James Madison, who not only was one of the writers of the Federalist papers, but of the Constitution as well.  Throw in his awesome wife, Dolly, his super-hot bff Thomas Jefferson, and his reputation for being kind of an emo kid, and you've got a serious contender.  VERDICT:  I'm pretty sure JAMES MADISON is the reason the saying 'good things come in small packages' was created, as he was apparently only like, 5'5".

Winner: James Madison

James Monroe vs Ronald Reagan

Alex: If there was ever a piece of foreign policy that got me hot, it would be the Monroe Doctrine.  Monroe was like, “Hey, let’s leave these people in peace and just go party over here, ‘kay?”  And everybody was like, “Yeah, ok. Good idea, dude.” Gipper was an actor before he even stepped foot in the White House, so we know he was attractive.  Reagan’s presidency may be met with controversy, but you can’t deny that he was and is still incredibly well liked, especially among the conservative collective.  While I give Reagan credit for being famous before even being president, I gotta go with Monroe.  On top of creating one of the most heralded pieces of foreign policy, Monroe also got us Florida, and where else are we gonna put all the old people?

Kali: Ronald Reagan was a movie star before becoming Governor of California and, later, President, so you know he was totes hot back in the day.  Plus, he liked jelly beans, so that's kind of a cute quirk.  But James Monroe was a smart fella, and, though he started as an anti-federalist, he later joined the ranks of Thomas Jefferson and James Madison as the latter's Secretary of State and Secretary of War, and later, as President, wrote the Monroe Doctrine, which is still one of the most revered foreign policy decisions in history.  VERDICT:  I'm sorry, Gipper, but I'm giving this to JAMES MONROE.

Winner: James Monroe

Financial Bonus Round
Alexander Hamilton vs Timothy Geithner

Alex: My boy Hamilton was the leader of the Federalist party and the first Secretary of the Treasury. So basically he made it rain on them bitches.  He had to step down from his Secretary position because his lover’s husband started up some blackmail scheme. Woah. Geithner was also Secretary of the Treasury and leader of the Federal Reserve Bank.  There was some scandal about tax business and a lot of criticism. And let’s be real, he’s the uncool kid of the administration that sits and eats by himself while looking at Obama and Rahm being awesome.  Hamilton is totally my pick because not only was he incredibly foxy, he dueled.  I mean, it was really just the once, but I can’t resist Burrrn’d jokes.

Kali: This is about to get super-nerdy.  Alexander Hamilton was, by all accounts, super-awesome.  He was a writer of the Federalist papers, helped to ratify the Constitution, and basically created the national banking system we still use today.  However, sadly, he died after Aaron Burr wounded him in a duel.  Burr'nd, indeed.  On the other hand, you've got Tim Geithner, the weirdly polarizing Treasury Secretary from Obama's first term who may or may not have cheated on his taxes because he can't use TurboTax, may or may not have been a little too close to Wall Street, and was most definitely a hilariously bad public speaker.  My econ professor in college always used to say: "Never date an econ major, because they can't talk to normal people about normal things," but both Hamilton and Timmy G are probably the most good-looking Treasury Secretaries to date.  VERDICT:  I always felt like nobody loved TIM GEITHNER except me, but whatever, ok!?  He was just a small, awkward, adorable little man who probably didn't know what he was doing!  Don't hate the player, hate the game, America!

And for the one and only tie breaker, we have our friend Andrea chiming in.

Andrea: So these two BA treasurers did a lot of awesome things – but they also did a lot of not so awesome things. For example, Hamilton really loved government control. He’s probably got an eye on Snowden from heaven and relaying info back to the US, and pushing for that jet search that Obama is shutting down. Alex also once proposed a “president-for-life” policy. CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? Geithner, on the other hand, played a leading role in the AIG bailout/scandal/however you want to look at it. Either way, it was kind of a bad move on his part. But the positives? Hamilton helped create our currency AND assisted in freeing the slaves. I consider that a slam dunk in my book. Timmy G., well… you know. He and Hillary Clinton are super tight! Geithner is an aggressive man with a lot of steam. I’m sure that he WANTED to do something positive for the world, he totally could!

VERDICT: Obvs Alexander Hamilton. PLUS he’s been on stamps! I would also like to point out that he had a super -hot wife who popped a crap ton of children, two of which are named Phillip.

Winner: Alexander Hamilton 

Old School: 4

New School: 2

OG Founding Fathers Win

The men who created this country took the title.  Though I should remind everyone, this was not about politics and policy.  Not really.  I mean, it contributed a bit, but really foxiness was key.  What can I say, America?  The founding fathers had swag.