Thursday, July 24, 2014

Learning to Hurt and Be Okay With It

I've made known here and throughout my life connections that I struggle with depression.  What most people don’t realize is that Depression Disorder is a catch-all term.  My personal “brand” of depression as I like to call it also features an anxiety disorder aspect.  I have dealt with being incapable of controlling my melancholy since I was young, and tried to kill myself in 8th grade, which I didn't disclose to people until years after.  

One of the most infuriating things you can say to someone dealing with depression or similar feelings is to say “Just be happy,” or “It’s about your attitude,” and the like.  When it is actually depression, you can’t control your happiness level because your brain isn’t sending chemicals properly.  I could continue on this diatribe for ages, because it really is maddening, but that’s not the point of this post.

My first doctor’s appointment back in Michigan, my doctor recommended trying going off the medication for a while this summer.  Part of my medication besides directing the brain to send the proper chemicals is to also teach the brain how to do this on its own.  Hence going off the medication can help determine how your brain chemistry is going by itself and if you need to continue with medication or not.  Obviously not having to take medication to control your brain chemistry would be incredibly helpful.  These medications can run quite expensive at times, so if your brain finally gets the gist itself that is one less bill.

So I decided to give it a try for a month.  It helped that the decision coincided with my prescription running out.  It has been under a week since I’ve been off my medication.  The first two days didn’t feel any different.  But as I have gotten farther on, I’ve realized my emotions seem to run a little bit.  However, as I am a naturally emotional person, it’s hard to distinguish between me being normally emotional and me being extra emotional because my brain is going wonky.  Like today, I teared up and nearly started crying watching Four Weddings on TLC.  I might normally feel a hitch in my throat while watching a show like this, but could it be more than that?

The whole point of this, besides announcing my life history and personal medical choices, is to ask for something.  First to the general public, please be understanding to those around you dealing with mental illnesses.  You have no idea how incredibly terrifying it is not be in control of your emotions.  When I break down and can’t stop crying and don’t know why, I understand it is weird, but I also need you to understand that I can’t help it.  So please be supportive of people in your lives who deal with such things.  It’s painful and scary and often humiliating.  Second, I’m asking everyone in my life to be supportive of me.  I know things might go fine but I also know my emotions might go haywire for a while.  So far, I’ve been blessed to have awesome family and friends who know what it is like to struggle with this.  But while I take this month to see how I do off my medication, I’ll possibly need even more support.  So if I can’t stop crying or cancel because I’m feeling sad or what have you, please understand it’s not you it’s me. Haha, see I made a joke about it.  But really, thank you in advance for dealing with me and my weird brain chemistry.  I have a feeling this will be taxing on me, but I’m willing to give it a go so wish me luck.

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