Saturday, November 1, 2014

Crushing Weight

Somehow I've been transported back to my adolescence, because I have a crush.  And not a celebrity crush (though I have plenty of those, hey Benny Cumberbatch).  But an honest to whomever-you-pray-to crush on a real guy.  It's just all so middle school.

Suddenly I feel like I need friends to work as a go between or wishing I could pass him a note: Will you go out with me?  Yes?  No?  Maybe?  Check one.

It all started when he innocently enough just stopped to talk to me about the book I was reading.  Not super dramatic or newsworthy.  Just that most associates where I work treat the security guards like pieces of furniture.  So while the conversation was common place, the fact that he stopped to talk to me at all about something not related to work...well that is downright exciting.

Then I had to make it awkward.  I'm being honest about my faux pas, because I know eventually it will be a funny story to look back on, but right now it is far too forehead slapping.  Most people have Facebook these days, though if he does I couldn't find his profile.  So having Google at one's finger tips, I searched out other social media sites.  And I found him on LinkedIn.  Viewed his profile and thought, "Yeah, he seems smart and accomplished."  I was enjoying the crush-y moment.

Then I remembered LinkedIn tells you when someone views your profile.  And usually tells you who it is.  Kill.  Me.  Now.

It felt like a brick hit me in the face.  Creeping embarrassment and wondering if he would say something invaded my thoughts every minute.  But days stretched on and the likelihood of his saying anything lessened.  Though I still expected to one day overhear him tell a coworker I was the creepy girl who stalked him on LinkedIn.

But I haven't yet.  I've talked to him two more times since then whole thing.  He remembered my name which I'm trying not to take as a sign and just that he's really good at remembering stuff.  But it's hard, guys.  Because in my mind, we're the cutest couple.  We have an adorable apartment with two dogs.  Family dinner on the I said, the crush is so middle school.  The struggle is real.

And in a week, I won't see him again.  I got a new job and will now be working elsewhere, unable to spend my shift wondering if I'll see him or he'll ask me about what I'm reading now.  And I know I could just be super progressive (aggressive?) and add him on LinkedIn, but then I would just add to my pathetic feeling level.  Or I could be brave and ask him to get coffee before I'm gone and miss the chance.  In my head I do this and it works out nicely.  In reality, my self conscious attitude and social anxiety tell me it's a bad idea.

He also has a name that I find devastatingly attractive.  I'm one of those people who has a name pattern in my attractions.  Like I'm the main character in John Green's An Abundance of Katherines, except with boys not named Katherine...

In any case, I'm on the fence about what I should do.  Bravery in the face of dating denial has worked for me in the past.  But it has also lead me to some crash and burn moments as well.  As I said, this whole thing is just so middle school.

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