Thursday, February 11, 2016

That Utter Feeling of Failure...Whoooo

I can't say that 2016 has had a great start so far.  The new year has found me recently single, jobless, and my dream of getting my PhD and being a professor was crushed. Or rather, put on hold for the foreseeable future.  On top of that suck salad is the sucky dressing of mental illness.  So it is safe to say that I've been having a shitty year, and it's only February.

I'm not one to handle that inadequate feeling well.  Having depression, anxiety, and PTSD already breeds self animosity.  Extra additions of feeling not good enough just add fuel to the fire.  Oh boy, watch that blaze burn!

I've struggled with self esteem issues since I was young.  As a youth, dealing with depression and not even knowing what it was, I struggled in my friendships.  I had people around me that cared, but I felt that I really only had one friend.  My mom and I were in a serious car accident the summer of 2001.  It was a horrible ordeal and one of the worst parts was my metabolism changed.  Instead of being the stick figure kid I had always been, it became incredibly difficult to lose weight and incredibly easy to put weight on.  Every since then, I have been the funny, fat friend.  So self esteem slaughter all over the place.

This continued through high school and college and post college and grad school and post grad school. Ok, you get the point.  It's a complex that has followed me my entire life.  Which didn't exactly make dating easy.  I used to be really outgoing.  I had no problem telling a guy that I thought he was cute.  But after you get told what a great friend you are and how much personality you have, you stop sharing your feelings.  I didn't have my first kiss until I was 18.  I was sexually assaulted at 21, which made my self esteem plummet.  I didn't have a serious relationship until I was 24. And I didn't lose my virginity until I was 26.  When you have a person rob you of your safety and sexuality, it's hard to open up that way to other people again.

So feelings of inadequacy are deeply instilled in my personality.  This gets brought up easily with the end of a relationship. And every time you get a job rejection email.  And when you don't get accepted to fulfill your dream of going for your PhD.  So it's safe to say my self esteem started at an all time low this year.  But, I'm not giving up.  I may not be following the path I always expected.  But I'm making the path my own.

I've worked so hard on my art and selling it on Etsy.  I've gotten a freelance writing gig for a firm in LA doing book to film pitches.  I'm working harder than ever on my novel, so I can look for book agents soon.  Being unemployed has allowed me train new volunteers which I have wanted to do for a year and a half and couldn't because of my schedule.  I've been able to train to be a medical advocate again and now I'm able to do short term counseling for survivors.

My life isn't all together.  I can't even come close to admitting it is.  But I'm trying. I'm doing everything I can to make it.  Because giving up isn't an option. Some of my dreams may not be coming true right now, but that isn't stopping me from making other ones happen.

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