Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Hey Subconscious, What's Your Issue?

Last night, I had a dream about my exes.  I only have two of them, but both relationships were milestones in my sexual and romantic life.

Neither ended particularly well.

The first was exacerbated by an emotionally abusive situation outside of my relationship. He was my first love and it was a big step for me to be involved emotionally and sexually after my assault.  We met online and clicked immediately.  After a brief period of friendship, we both realized we wanted more.  I told him about my fears, about what had happened to me, and how I was scared of opening up sexually with someone.  He was amazing. The problem was when it ended, I lost his friendship as well my first love.  I moved back home shortly after to deal with the rest of the problems and had to completely severe ties in order to get over him.

After I moved back, I went out a couple times with my second ex but I wasn't ready for a relationship. And I wasn't sure how I felt about him. But we got to know each other as friends and I worked on healing from the first break up.  Eventually I realized there were feelings there, and I made a move.  It was a huge step for me to open up more sexually. And with him, it felt right.  But it ended, badly, and I'm still working on getting over it.

Last night in the dream, I was at a party and they were both there. I was talking to my first ex for a quite a while, and then my second ex said he was leaving. I went to walk him out, and he confronted me over my happiness, to which I burst into tears and he held me. And that's when I woke up.  I really don't know how to take this. I keep waffling between being ready to move on and wanting to curl into a ball and cry forever.

Why is getting over someone so damn painful?  It doesn't help that my life is a giant question mark of suck lately.  I'm not going back to school, which I've reconciled myself with just fine.  But job searching is exhausting. I want to work on writing and finishing my novel so I can publish.  I've got a freelance job but it hasn't paid out yet and is hit and miss anyway. I'm helping a friend with stuff which she is paying me for doing.  I'm even trying to sell my art on Etsy. But this is still not enough.  I'm lucky I have savings. But I can easily eat through it without any supplemental income.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive. But it is utterly and completely exhausting to try and fix and be happy with everything in my life.  I don't want to get back with either of my exes.  But I miss having someone I can talk to about everything.  Someone who would hold me when I needed to feel safe or was crying.  I know I have amazing friends who are here for me, but it isn't the same.  I just feel so broken and don't know how to put the pieces back together.

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