30 Days of Militant Self Care: Days 12-24

This post about self care is both extremely late and extremely ahead.  In explaining my absence, I don't have much to say besides I'm sorry.  To myself mainly, for not being as diligent as I should have been.  Taking care of myself is something I easily sacrifice in ways.  And it is not okay.  I usually put more effort into taking care of others than myself.  I'm working on it.  One of the things I'm doing for myself right now is looking into buying a house, which is so exciting but so damn stressful at the same time.

Day 12: Treat Yo Self.

Probably one of my favorite episodes of Parks and Recreation is Treat Yo Self.  In the show, the idea is to be lavish and buy things that maybe you don't even need.  But in terms of self care, this idea doesn't need to be lavish.  It can be something small.  For me, I indulged in a piece of apple pie and didn't judge myself for eating it.  Which is pretty revolutionary for me.  I struggled with an eating disorder and used to spend a lot of time criticizing myself for what I would eat.  Then I sank into a point where I hated myself so much that I didn't care what I ate because I didn't deserve to be happy.  So now, I am working myself into a place where I want to do better but I don't hate myself if I fail.  And it's going okay.

Day 13: How's it going? Has this been fun, helpful, inspiring, frustrating?

I'm good.  From the beginning of the year, things have been rough.  But I am finally in a good place.  I've been able to put the Listening Ear situation behind me, knowing that I did all I could and that now it is not my problem anymore.  I still absolutely love my job and know that I'm in a secure place financially.  I am actually in a place where I'm not surviving day to day.  I'm actively planning for my future and the best move for myself and it means so much.  That is what this challenge has been for me. Using these self care prompts to really think about my life and realize that I am in a beautiful place with amazing friends and family, and that I'm genuinely happy.  It means the world to me.

Day 14: Do something Fall related.

This one was pretty easy because I absolutely adore the crisp fall air.  So I drove with the windows down and let the cool air pour over me.  It was divine.  Also all the apple cider around has been lovely.

Day 15: If you could add one thing to your day, what would it be? If you could change one thing that's no longer serving you, what would it be?

More hours!  I feel like I could accomplish so much more with more time.  I would be able to get a full night of sleep, and get up and work out, and have a full day of work, plus actually accomplish adult things like laundry and cleaning the kitchen.  One thing that never really served me besides stress relief is my smoking habit.  Which I am working on gradually.  I went almost a full week without smoking, and have since weaned myself down to only 2-4 cigarettes a day, instead of 5-7.  The most important part is knowing that it is a work in progress and that if I slip up, I can always try again.  Learning to be less hard on myself has been a huge part of this challenge for me.

Day 16: What's your bullshit and how are you going to use the next two weeks to challenge it?

Procrastination.  Fuck, I am so skilled at it.  I will wait until I have nothing clean to wear for work, and then like rewear a skirt or pair of pants, and then I'll do laundry.  So I've been keeping myself up on taking care of my responsibilities.  Although the laundry and kitchen need attention today...meh...

Day 17: Get that shit out of your face.

As previously mentioned, I'm working on keeping my shit picked up and organized.  To stop waiting until the last minute to do stuff.  It's a work in progress, but at least I'm working on it.

Day 18: Support a friend.

This is one of my favorites because it is something that I try to do daily anyway.  One thing I said to my therapist a couple weeks ago was that when I love someone, not just romantically but as friends too, I will do anything to help them.  Whether it is loaning money or buying dinner or being a listener or making sure they smile that day, I love my friends.  I want them to know how much I love them.  That I would do anything for them.  I want to know that whenever my time is up, that what people will remember most about me is that I loved people and I stood behind that love.

Day 19: Say no. It's ok to say no.

There's nothing in particular this day that I said no to, but it made me think about how much I hate saying no to people.  I have spent most of my life feeling like a disappointment, that I wasn't good enough.  So in my low self esteem, I didn't want to be another disappointment to people.  I often sacrificed my own comfort to make sure not to say no.  But I am trying to remember that in saying no, I'm honoring myself.  Not just being a disappointment.  It's okay to say no.  It's okay to say no.  It's okay to say no.

Days 20-24: Disconnect.

Here's where I get both behind and ahead.  Our fearless leader is taking her own time to disconnect from technology.  So I am going to try and do the same in some ways.  I'm going to focus more on spending time with people I love.  Working on things that bring me joy, especially working with my hands.  So I hope others do the same.  When we get to the end of our lives, it is those moments we will remember.  I'll remember the times I spent with my best friend Mary, painting and watching Harry Potter.  I'll remember the times I spent making art or writing stories.  I'll remember the times I felt loved and whole.  I'm not going to remember that random article I read on Facebook or the weird video I watched once on Youtube.  I'm living my life to the fullest, as I can, every day.  I'm even on the verge of tears just writing this.  I'm happy.  And I'm going to keep fighting for that.

Stay tuned for more adventures in militant self care after this brief hiatus of disconnection!

Self Love in Today's Society

It’s not a huge shocker that diets are all the rage and body shaming is at an all-time high (or low really, if you think about it).  Society is constantly telling everyone, but especially females, what they need to be, to look like, etc.  So it gets incredibly difficult to be okay with yourself when everything around you is contradictory.

I used to hate myself.  Really, I’m not joking.  I absolutely hated myself.  I didn’t think I was cute or pretty or beautiful.  I was constantly critiquing every aspect of my body.  My stomach wasn’t flat enough or my was butt too big.  My pores on my nose were just huge and disgusting.  My hair was never the right color.  I was smart, but not smart enough.  I didn’t have any useful talents.  Every day, every look in the mirror, all I felt was disappointment and hatred.

And then after a long time and a lot of mental reprogramming, I came to a pretty interesting conclusion.  I decided to love myself.  And tell society to fuck off. 

The road to that realization was long and difficult, but ultimately worth it.  I got sick of thinking I wasn’t enough.  We have a finite number of days on this world, so why was I spending it seeped in hatred and depression?  Not worth it.

So I began to love myself.  I stopped judging myself every time I looked in the mirror.  I stopped calorie counting.  I stopped comparing myself to other women.  I stopped telling myself she was prettier or thinner.  I just stopped.

It wasn't easy.  It was one of the most difficult things I've ever done.  To reprogram my mind to cease being so negative to myself.  I still have moments even now.  I don’t think it is something that will ever completely go away, but it is certainly more contained.

Am I the ideal weight I want to be?  No.  But no longer do I feel the desperate need to lose weight.  I know that a lot of it is trying to fit in exercise, which is my weakness.  I need companionship or I can’t motivate myself enough to do it.  I've learned to love the body I have.  I realized that there are guys out there that don’t care.  Crazy, right?!  Society has been telling me all along that guys only like you when you’re skinny…those fucking liars!  I’m curvy and bodacious and I still had a boyfriend.  So yeah, being skinny does not equal finding meaningful relationships.  And if your partner says you being skinny is prerequisite for the relationship, then he/she’s an asshole.  Anyone worth having in your life will love you for exactly who you are.  Waist size and all. 

The point is to be healthy.  And that means both sides.  On one hand, your food choices should be healthier.  Eat more veggies and fruits, better fats and proteins.  But on the other hand, don’t starve yourself or constantly work out.  Eating disorders don’t just cover “fat” people.  They’ve advanced enough to label work out anorexia.  Stop the I-need-to-lose-three-pounds bullshit.  Don’t be a Regina George!

Also we need to stop shaming each other, “fat” or “thin.”  Those are in quotes by the way, because they are arbitrary terms.  It’s subjective.  We need to appreciate ourselves and other women and men for who they are and what size they are.  I’m goddamn sick of living in a society that doesn’t accept that I’m a pretty awesome person no matter my goddamn jeans size.  Which is a 14, by the way.  Yeah, I got hips and a butt.  And they look damn good.

I’m going up north next weekend to the beach.  And I’m wearing a bikini.  And if anyone has anything to say about that, they can suck it.  Because I love my body and everyone else should accept that.  *insert me giving the middle finger to society here*