Saturday, October 1, 2016

30 Days of Militant Self Care: Day 1

As it can be read from this blog or from my Facebook, this year has been a rough one.  The end of a relationship followed by unemployment followed by the Listening Ear scandal meant my year started with stress and continued in that fashion.  My self care has not always been the best.  I'm an emotional eater and purchaser, meaning I often disregard my health and balance of my wallet.  And smoking is my go-to stress habit, has been since I was 19.  I began smoking with a vengeance when the Ear scandal broke.  But I'm working on changing.

I've been working on watching my eating habits.  I'm back in therapy, and it is going well.  I am still smoking but hope to soon make it something to work on in therapy.  I've been practicing positive self talk when I can, which isn't easy.  But I have been reaching out and asking for help, and that means a lot.  Asking for help has never been something I was good at, but I'm trying.  Today, I am putting that effort out even more by practicing a month of militant self care and forcing myself to blog about it.  My writing and my emotional health will be better. Score!

Day 1: What's going on with your heart? Where are your thoughts taking you these days? How is your beautiful body feeling?

My heart...whew boy, how much time do we have?  Technically unlimited as I can write however long I wish and you can read until you give up.  But I promise not to be too lengthy.  My heart has felt very weak this year.  Very vulnerable.  Very raw.  I went somewhere, I thought I felt safe, and I worked on healing.  Only to find out that people I trusted had betrayed my safety and the safety of the organization I was with.  Cue dramatic glass shattering sound.  Yep, I can't lie.  I hit rock bottom.  People that I loved and trusted turned their backs on me and treated me like I was evil.  And instead of thinking about taking care of myself, I was like, "Ok, you want me to be an evil bitch. I will be, motha fucka."  And I refused to focus on myself.  So now I'm finally focusing on me, and I'm slowly getting better.  (I have chosen not to focus on the romantic aspect of my heart, cause ain't nobody got time for that shit)

My thoughts...are scattered in some ways.  I like to plan my future.  I'm naturally a very ambitious person, and I always consider where my path is going.  Right now, I don't know.  I don't like not knowing.  It sucks.  I know that I am staying where I work because it makes me really happy and is stable.  I know that I am staying with my current volunteering opportunity because I feel needed and that I make a difference.  Past that...I got nothing.  On one hand, I want to apply to do my PhD with MSU again.  Meet with them and see what I could do differently or better for the application.  On another hand, I want to counsel survivors and get my MSW with MSU.  They have the perfect program for working adults where it is mostly online and weekend work.  On another hand (because I'm secretly an octopus), I consider focusing more on my novel and getting it published.  On another hand (still an octopus), I wonder if now would be the time to buy a house.  Well not this year, but next year.  So right now my thoughts are many paths in the woods and I don't fucking know which path to take.

My body...fluffy?  As previously mentioned, stress eating is my jam.  Spaghetti with sharp cheddar melted into it?  I could eat it every day when I'm upset and stressed.  As such, my tummy is a little more wibbly-wobbly than it used to be.  But I don't care.  I know that I can be healthier and work out more, and I plan to, but I also don't look at myself every day and hate what I see.  And I used to.  A lot.  My self loathing was deeply engrained.  I would either force myself to wear as much make-up as possible, or go the exact opposite and look as much like a train wreck as I could because why bother. I'm finally in a place where I know I can do better but I don't hate what I am anymore.  My back still has it moments.  It has always been in best shape when I am more active, which has not been a lot recently.  In fact today it is barking pretty badly because I've been sitting on the squishy couch painting all day.  But I don't mind sacrificing a little bit of one comfort to engage another.  I also know I have powerful pain killers and muscle relaxers available to help me out later.  Holla!

I'm looking forward to this challenge quite a bit.  First, so that I actively work in different ways to take care of myself.  Second, because it has been a long time since I routinely posted on my blog.  Lastly, I deserve it.  I deserve to be happy and refreshed and comfortable and full and intellectually satisfied.  I deserve it.  I deserve it.  I DESERVE it.

Stay tuned for more adventures in militant self care!

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